Confidence

I spent a week away from my regular duties at work to attend a Train-the-Trainer workshop for my company.  I learned content, and I learned professional development.  There were 42 of us from all over North America.  It was a stressful, yet amazing, workshop.  I learned things I had never learned in the past.  I almost feel like I’ve left the arms of a cult, but I cannot deny that I have watched myself and so many others grow this week.

The curriculum I am going to teach when I go back is called Commanding Client Confidence.  But the women who run the workshop come from performing backgrounds; dance, acting, comedy.  What we learned went beyond the material.  They taught us how to enter a room, how to make eye contact, how to exude confidence.  I went there unsure within myself, and today, I spoke in front of 42 class mates, 8 trainers and two executives of my company.  I did that!  I am so proud of myself, and it makes me re-evaluate what I can do.  

I got feed-back and coaching this week that was invaluable.  I hope I can keep what I learned today, and I hope that I can go through another class with those talented ladies.  I have always been a “pretender,” due to my painful shyness.  They simply taught me how to apply that pretense to my career.  The funny part is that when I was young, I had wanted to be an actress.  Little did I know that we “act” all the time.

I talked to L on Wednesday, and she told me that she and D had a big fight, but they were making up.  For her, he “canceled” with someone; she wouldn’t tell me her name.  The last time he and I had talked, I got the impression that when he was “allowed” to play again, it would be with me.  I felt the typical jealousy, and then I got irritated.  It’s always going to be this way.  I am better off assuming that he is constantly fucking around, because that is what he really wants to do.

I think that I began to think about this situation differently because of the class I attended this week.  One of the things that they kept telling us is: “You have a right.”  Not only did they teach us how to act, but they taught us how to value what it is we have to say.  I was thinking about how I deserve to be treated, how I can demand to be respected, and I began to wonder why I put up with this shit as long as I have.

I sat down and wrote it out as if I was going to present it to D.

 
I want to be taken out of the "rotation.”  There are two reasons I thought I could present to him which he might understand.
 
1)  I don't get enough attention.  Once a month or every two months just isn't enough.  It doesn't meet my needs.  I am the kind of person that when I get sex, I want more.  When I don't get more soon enough, I get frustrated.  In the past, you've teased me to the point where I've gotten pissed off, and you have said you would come see me and then you didn't.
 
I keep thinking of the phrase: "If you wanted to see me, you would see me."  Even within the constraints of our busy lives, if you wanted to see me, you would make the time.  You don't, and that speaks volumes to me.  I think I would be better off with none, rather than waiting and waiting for something that isn't going to happen.
 
2) Because I am not getting enough attention, when I find out you're out there playing with others, I get jealous.  To me, you took the time to see them that you didn't take to see me.  Jealousy hurts, and so I'm wondering why I put myself through this by leaving my door open for you.
 
If I know that you and I aren't playing, then the time you take with the others was never going to be the time you could have spent with me.  I might still feel a little jealousy, but I'll bet it will be very small and short-lived.  I’ll still be your friend, but we just won’t mix sex with our friendship.
 
This will only work if he agrees to it.  Everyone knows that if he showed up and wanted some, I wouldn't say no.  So when I tell him this, I have to be persuasive.  I know that he will not want to agree to it.  The day he told me, “you are never going to get rid of me,” I was shocked and I fell into a mini-depression.  At that moment, I saw my life spread before me where I could not break out of the victim role.  I want to have a normal life, and this is as twisted as it gets.  

My idea is to make a deal.  Sometimes you have to set a timeframe to something.  If that is successful, the timeframe can be extended.  I think “until the end of this year,” is a perfect timeframe.  “Then we’ll look at it again and negotiate it.”  The intention is that there will not be a new negotiation, and those 6 or 7 months will condition new habits and open new opportunities for me to bring things under control.

I have been dying to talk to him about this, but L said they had another fight.  This time he smashed the bug-zapper and cut his hand.  She said she emailed this woman and told her about the “other women.”  He was pretty pissed off, because this woman was upset by what was said.  She “cock-blocked” him.  

When D called me, he didn’t say anything about that.  He said their fight was about her telling him she had done something which she demonstrably had not.  She lied to him, then threw a fit when he called her out, and started a big fight.  That was his version.  A part of me wondered why he wouldn’t tell me about these “other women.”  Either L is becoming psychotic in this pregnancy, or he didn’t want to deal with my inevitable emotion.

So today, I decided to postpone the above negotiation.  I ignored him when he said he would “beat me” or that I just needed to get laid.  I am determined that this weekend, I will avoid these people and their endless ridiculous drama.  If that is “love” and “family,” I’ll stay here with my boys.