Payoff

Dr. Phil talks about “payoff” often.  What do you get from what you are doing?  You wouldn’t do it if you didn’t get something out of it.

My grandmother is one of those hyper-critical people who always has something to say about any decision anyone makes.  She told me that before her friend moved and sold her house, she scrubbed everything and repainted.  “She killed herself and she didn’t have to do it.  Just so people wouldn’t think she was a bad house-keeper.”

"She got something out of it,” I said.  “It gave her some peace of mind.  She felt good that people wouldn’t think she was a bad house-keeper.”

“But she didn’t have to do it!” she insisted.

I let it go because it was obvious that she wouldn’t see a different perspective.  What payoff does she get in thinking that everyone is wrong and she is right?

I don’t spend a lot of time with my grandmother because I am sensitive to the way she is.  It is about her, not me.  Even when she found out that I was seeing a therapist for depression, she made it about her.  “Oh, my grand-daughter is depressed!”  She was practically in tears.  She asked me why I didn’t come to her.  Because I was getting help and because I needed to do it alone.  Even when she is worried about me, it is over-board.  “I wouldn’t be able to sleep!”  I don’t doubt that she would give me anything she had, that she would do anything she could for me, I just resent that it can never be about how I feel, what I want, how I think… it’s about how it affects her.

My therapist thinks, and I agree, that she is stunted at the teenage level.  She had my mom when she was 16, and they basically grew up together.  She was at that stage, and her inner teenager didn’t get what she needed, and she never grow up.  She makes me feel like nothing I do is right.  There is no give and take; I have to give her all the attention she needs.  There is no relationship that way.

I’ve been thinking a lot about payoffs because of my own behavior.

Monday, D was horny and wanted to come over and fuck me.  I had a therapist appointment and could not do it.  He seemed to want it bad.  He tried to get me to be late for work, or leave work and come see him.  I declined the options.

“I want that pussy, Christine,” he texted. In the past, seeing that written would remind me of his voice saying it, and I would get instantly wet.

In the end, we couldn’t make it happen.  He said, “I would have been nice to fill you before work and know it dripped out of you all day.”  And “I need a hot dripping cunt spread on my cock.”

He is raunchy.  I’ve always responded to his raunchiness.

Then, when I got done early, I called to see if he wanted me to stop by.  He said, “L came home on break.”

It occurred to me that if I had been available, he would have canceled on me.  This whole thing irritated me, upset me.  I created a text, but I saved it in my draft and didn't send it.  “You play me like fucking game.  From now on your cock is not my concern.”  I wished I had the courage to hit send.

He said, “I wanted to stop by and bend you over the couch and fuck you before putting you on the bed.  I’m hard now.  Go home sick. lol.  Cum fuck me my lil whore!”

I almost burst into tears. “Leave me alone,” I thought.

I am so manipulable with sex.  A part of me was upset because we weren’t actually able to do it.  A part of me was upset because he would have canceled, and I assumed that he fucked L when she came home.  He told me he had not gotten any for two days, and I assumed his lack of nookie was the only reason he wanted me.  I am close, I am convenient; I might as well be anyone.  Just a pussy to slake his lust.

Tuesday morning, he called and wanted me to stop by his place on my way to work.  I hadn't slept well and I wasn’t excited about doing it, but you know I did it.  Afterward, I was thrilled in my typical way, high on my own body chemistry.

In September, I will have known him five years.  I haven’t gotten tired of the sex because it is always different.  We may do the same positions, be he always throws in something new.  I don’t know how rough he will be and it puts that bit of fear and anticipation into me.  I assume he hasn’t gotten tired of me because I am so manipulable.  After all this time, he can still get me to do whatever he wants.  And when I am in the middle of it, I will agree to things that in my rational mind I never would.

My payoff is the sex; my downfall is that it isn’t enough.

It probably doesn’t help that I have felt less sexy lately.  Not necessarily less sexual, but less attractive.  My self esteem is very low.  My age, my weight, my skin.  Despite being lonely, I don’t feel motivated to find anyone.  I keep struggling with the belief that I no longer have anything to offer.

When he started acting horny towards me, I actually thought, “Why are you bothering with me?”  Could be because my allergies are bothering me very badly and my head hurts almost all day every day.  Could be that I started bleeding on the 15th and have been bleeding for a week and a half (not heavy, but noticable.)  Could be because the medications I’m on have made me constipated.  Could be because work has been busy and stressful.  Could be because I look at these beautiful sunny days and know I cannot go out in them.  Probably, it’s because all of these things are happening at once.  As these things begin to resolve, I am sure my mood will improve.

The sex:

When I arrived at his place, he told me to go downstairs. He said something about having set the mood.  Porn was on the TV.  He shucked his clothes immediately.  

He sat on the ottoman and pulled the neck of my top down and popped my boobs out of my bra.  He sucked my nipples and bit them.  He used medium force, so I gasped and moaned, but didn't try to pull away too much.  I took off my panties.  I was going to leave my skirt on, but it got in the way, so I took it off too.

He went to the couch and pulled me into his lap.  I tried to mount him, but I was not wet.  I got up, bent over, and sucked him.  I heard him gasp.  Partially, I did it to get him wet with my saliva, but mostly I did it to get myself wet.  Oral is definitely a trigger for that.  When I climbed back onto him, there was no doubt I was ready.

Last time I rode him, it didn't do much for either of us.  I had rocked more than bounced.  This time I bounced.  That is hard on my legs, especially for prolonged periods of time, but I didn't think this would be long.  He seemed to like it.

He reached over and grabbed the Hitachi.  I hadn't seen it, didn't know what he was reaching for until he had it in his hand.  He put it between us.  I rocked against it, rubbing my clit against it.  I didn't think I would cum, (and I was right, I didn't,) but it felt very good.  I didn't fake an orgasm, but the Hitachi made me make noises of enjoyment that he mistook for an orgasm, and I didn't correct him.

While I rode him and rocked against the Hitachi and moaned and gasped, he put his hands around my neck.  He squeezed, but he didn't cut off my air.  He ordered me to cum, and I guess he was satisfied with my sounds.  Then he said he was going to fuck me.  He let me keep the Hitachi, and I climbed off and bent over for him.  I think we both love that position.  He fucked me from behind while I held the Hitachi to my clit.  He fucked me hard, just the way I like, and combined with the stimulation from the Hitachi, my pussy spasmed as he came inside me.

Then He helped me put my panties back on.  I didn't clean myself up, just let his wetness stay on me and in me.  I hugged him and went to work.  I felt really good, almost high, but I did feel a bit nauseous.  When I get very aroused but I don't cum, I get an upset stomach.  I took a Zantac when I got to work and I felt better.