Kiss N Tell Confessions
My "walk on the wild side" is over, mostly. I am slowly putting my life back together after two years of sex addiction and sexual abuse. I will still make mistakes. I will probably have sex with people I shouldn't in places I shouldn't. My story is one of pain, and courage, and the constant fight for survival and for happiness. You didn't think you had to fight for happiness, but sometimes, you do.
Contact me: kntconfessions@comcast.net
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Poorly Negotiated
posted Mon, 05/11/09
My discussion with D didn't go as I expected. I shouldn't have been surprised. He didn't agree to what I thought was a reasonable request. As far as he is concerned, I am trapped in this twisted saga until he no longer has a use for me. He said what he had said before, that he would fuck me whenever he wanted and that I was never going to get rid of him.
I tried to negotiate 3 months. He said he would be starting school again in 3 months and that right now was a lot calmer. "So then 6 months," I said. He said no. I was stunned that he wouldn't take the 3 month time frame, because it is a relatively small amount of time. If this is what I want, how can he refuse what I want?
I pulled out all my negotiation points... "Go play with your others for awhile. I'll be here as your friend the whole time; I'm not going anywhere, we just won't be having sex." I even said that I was selfish, and that once a month wasn't enough. All he said to that was, "I know," in a way that suggested that he wanted more of me.
He said that we had had the conversation before and that nothing has changed. He often believes that I am trying to maneuver a sexual encounter. I assured him that I had been fine over the last month and a half, and that my point was that I was better off with none than always being on the edge like that, never knowing and being teased with it. Even I was surprised with the peace in my voice. Celibacy for 6 months (or more) truly is a preferable state to what he offers. There is always my vibrator to relieve the pressure. I had hoped he would take me seriously. He said that no matter how many times I said it, he wouldn't agree.
Once he saw that he was losing me, he maneuvered me into phone sex. I really would prefer to make him happy and do what he says, if only it didn't have such a high price, if only it weren't so empty. It is very easy to fall back into the fantasy because a part of me wishes it could be like it was before, when he wanted me and I was happy. An illusion of an illusion. No bodily fluids were exchanged, it was only a conversation, so I choose to look at this as assisted masturbation.
I was attempting to create a sense of security by negotiating a separation. I don't like not knowing when he might suddenly call me or text me and say, "come here," or "be ready" because he has time. My only option going forward is avoidance. Last month, he "didn't have time." Maybe the trend will continue. I can also make sure that I have plans every weekend, to minimize the time I can be perceived as available.
It has been said that in order to sever this relationship, I would have to break all ties. Talking about it will not help. Negotiating is one-sided. Avoiding it is temporary. It is hard to do that when L calls them my "extended family." It is emotional blackmail. I wonder if they truly care about me and need me in some way. It is my nature to love and to care, and sometimes that goes against my own self-interest.
I tried to negotiate 3 months. He said he would be starting school again in 3 months and that right now was a lot calmer. "So then 6 months," I said. He said no. I was stunned that he wouldn't take the 3 month time frame, because it is a relatively small amount of time. If this is what I want, how can he refuse what I want?
I pulled out all my negotiation points... "Go play with your others for awhile. I'll be here as your friend the whole time; I'm not going anywhere, we just won't be having sex." I even said that I was selfish, and that once a month wasn't enough. All he said to that was, "I know," in a way that suggested that he wanted more of me.
He said that we had had the conversation before and that nothing has changed. He often believes that I am trying to maneuver a sexual encounter. I assured him that I had been fine over the last month and a half, and that my point was that I was better off with none than always being on the edge like that, never knowing and being teased with it. Even I was surprised with the peace in my voice. Celibacy for 6 months (or more) truly is a preferable state to what he offers. There is always my vibrator to relieve the pressure. I had hoped he would take me seriously. He said that no matter how many times I said it, he wouldn't agree.
Once he saw that he was losing me, he maneuvered me into phone sex. I really would prefer to make him happy and do what he says, if only it didn't have such a high price, if only it weren't so empty. It is very easy to fall back into the fantasy because a part of me wishes it could be like it was before, when he wanted me and I was happy. An illusion of an illusion. No bodily fluids were exchanged, it was only a conversation, so I choose to look at this as assisted masturbation.
I was attempting to create a sense of security by negotiating a separation. I don't like not knowing when he might suddenly call me or text me and say, "come here," or "be ready" because he has time. My only option going forward is avoidance. Last month, he "didn't have time." Maybe the trend will continue. I can also make sure that I have plans every weekend, to minimize the time I can be perceived as available.
It has been said that in order to sever this relationship, I would have to break all ties. Talking about it will not help. Negotiating is one-sided. Avoiding it is temporary. It is hard to do that when L calls them my "extended family." It is emotional blackmail. I wonder if they truly care about me and need me in some way. It is my nature to love and to care, and sometimes that goes against my own self-interest.
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