Kiss N Tell Confessions
My "walk on the wild side" is over, mostly. I am slowly putting my life back together after two years of sex addiction and sexual abuse. I will still make mistakes. I will probably have sex with people I shouldn't in places I shouldn't. My story is one of pain, and courage, and the constant fight for survival and for happiness. You didn't think you had to fight for happiness, but sometimes, you do.
Contact me: kntconfessions@comcast.net
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Slap in the Face
posted Wed, 05/13/09
Well, that’s a slap in the face! My mind is a whirl. I don’t know quite how to feel. I am feeling so many emotions at once… angry, hurt, guilty.
I don’t talk about my family too much. Especially my brother. Somewhere along the line, we had a falling out. It was not loud, not a fight, not anything I could even put my finger on… We just grew apart and apart and apart, until we didn’t know each other. I know that I have a resentment toward him, but I am not sure why. Something happened that I am either unable or unwilling to remember. Or maybe it was a series of things.
Up until now, I have tried to tolerate him. I’ve talked about him to my therapist a couple of times, but we never got anywhere with it. I wanted to resolve it, but there is always another day. I haven’t felt bad about not having a relationship with him, because it takes two. He never made an effort, either. Why must I be the “bigger person?” Especially when in my heart I feel this pain. Pain I don’t understand, cannot quite identify, and don’t want in my life.
His birthday was 4/20. I admit that I forgot it. I remembered on the day I took CK in for his first vet visit. The week that I was sure my kitten was ill and might not make it. I admit that I mailed his card late, but when I mailed it, I wrote an apology in it. Today, in the mail, I got the refused card, and he wrote on it, “Two weeks is to late.” (Yes “to.”) This from a person who always sends late cards. Every birthday, every Christmas, is always late. So, is there a time frame on cards? I did go get one, I did mail it, I did write a personal message in it (which he will never know.)
Now, I do feel bad about the late card. The guilt. However, I didn’t think that he thought cards were important; hence he was always late on every card. Nor to me did I think it was important when I got his cards late… I don’t assume what is going on in his life. And I guess maybe I never thought I was important to him to send them on time anyway, so I was never upset. (My birthday was May 1, and although I “noted” not getting a card, I was not upset. If I never got one, I wouldn’t have been upset about it. In fact, by today, I had forgotten about it entirely.)
Angry. I understand him being upset... well, really I don’t… but if he was, the way he handled it was purposely calculated to be a slap in the face. He didn’t open it or read my apology. He didn’t even just throw it away. He took the time to hold onto it and then refuse it. Maybe proving to me that my brother is as big of an asshole as I thought?
Is there a proper response to that? My intention is to write him off out of my life. I will not go where he is. I will not talk to him. I will not acknowledge him. I don’t have any further use for him. But this isn’t going to go over so well with my dad. I assume he will lay a guilt trip on me. But I refuse to accept that, for all of the above reasons.
Now, I could refuse assume what is going on in his life and give him the benefit of the doubt. I don’t feel like it. The only casualty will be his 7 year old daughter. That makes me feel very sad. She is the only reason I might eventually relent and try to have some tolerance.
I don’t talk about my family too much. Especially my brother. Somewhere along the line, we had a falling out. It was not loud, not a fight, not anything I could even put my finger on… We just grew apart and apart and apart, until we didn’t know each other. I know that I have a resentment toward him, but I am not sure why. Something happened that I am either unable or unwilling to remember. Or maybe it was a series of things.
Up until now, I have tried to tolerate him. I’ve talked about him to my therapist a couple of times, but we never got anywhere with it. I wanted to resolve it, but there is always another day. I haven’t felt bad about not having a relationship with him, because it takes two. He never made an effort, either. Why must I be the “bigger person?” Especially when in my heart I feel this pain. Pain I don’t understand, cannot quite identify, and don’t want in my life.
His birthday was 4/20. I admit that I forgot it. I remembered on the day I took CK in for his first vet visit. The week that I was sure my kitten was ill and might not make it. I admit that I mailed his card late, but when I mailed it, I wrote an apology in it. Today, in the mail, I got the refused card, and he wrote on it, “Two weeks is to late.” (Yes “to.”) This from a person who always sends late cards. Every birthday, every Christmas, is always late. So, is there a time frame on cards? I did go get one, I did mail it, I did write a personal message in it (which he will never know.)
Now, I do feel bad about the late card. The guilt. However, I didn’t think that he thought cards were important; hence he was always late on every card. Nor to me did I think it was important when I got his cards late… I don’t assume what is going on in his life. And I guess maybe I never thought I was important to him to send them on time anyway, so I was never upset. (My birthday was May 1, and although I “noted” not getting a card, I was not upset. If I never got one, I wouldn’t have been upset about it. In fact, by today, I had forgotten about it entirely.)
Angry. I understand him being upset... well, really I don’t… but if he was, the way he handled it was purposely calculated to be a slap in the face. He didn’t open it or read my apology. He didn’t even just throw it away. He took the time to hold onto it and then refuse it. Maybe proving to me that my brother is as big of an asshole as I thought?
Is there a proper response to that? My intention is to write him off out of my life. I will not go where he is. I will not talk to him. I will not acknowledge him. I don’t have any further use for him. But this isn’t going to go over so well with my dad. I assume he will lay a guilt trip on me. But I refuse to accept that, for all of the above reasons.
Now, I could refuse assume what is going on in his life and give him the benefit of the doubt. I don’t feel like it. The only casualty will be his 7 year old daughter. That makes me feel very sad. She is the only reason I might eventually relent and try to have some tolerance.
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